A Destructive Masterpiece

It has been a while since i last did an entry for this and in that time i have started many times but decided to stop and delete the work i had done. I do not write any old thing that i think of but instead i write what i believe i should and take time mulling over each entry before i write it and this is why many entries i come up with will be deleted in the early stages of them coming together. However this one has made the cut.

I recently had the blessing to attend a very good friend of mine's wedding. And although this in and of itself is not majorly dramatic a multitude of things happened that day that has saprked the reflective part of my brain into some serious action.

For those of you who may not know, i have just completed a 3 year degree in Applied Theology and those 3 years have been a mixture of a sledgehammer and a chisel to the masterpiece known as 'My Life'. Before i started i did one of those things that as a Christian you are always told to be careful when doing so and i honstly and earnestly prayed that my foundations would be destroyed and rebuilt into something unmovable. I now see why people are warned about doing such things. Those 3 years have featured one of the worst years of my life followed by two of the best and the journey that i travelled on very much screamed of demolition before the building could take place. God took me on a journey with whch the destruction phase reached a climax when i got to point when i had to get over myself, and for anyone who hasn't done so, i would recommend doing it; because going through an experience that makes you is far from enjoyable. But i did go through one and i believe i am now over myself. This then enabled the rebuilding process to begin. I had stopped trying to add what i wanted to the creation that i was but rather i had submitted the tools over to The Creator. Those who know me will know of some of the changes that have taken place over those years and those who don't here are some examples which were highlighted at this wedding i was fortunate enough to go to:

1) I did one of the readings in the service (Song of Songs 2:8-17). Again to many this would not seem like a big thing but to me it highlighted how i have been able to find a way of becoming comfortable infront of others and, especially if you read the passage, how comfortable i could be reading that passage infront of btoh friends and starngers. Doing the reading also symbolised something else, which i value even more than the self-confidence infront of others; it symbolised a friendship whch was why i was asked to do it. A brummie (even if far from your stereotypical one) doing a reading at a wedding full of well spoken and well educated people. It truly was a privilidge to do so.

2) Not being freaked out about being split up from the people i knew. The bride and groom had decided to split up all the different groups of people for the seating plan for the reception which meant that on my table of 9 (including myself) i knew 2 others and even they were sat away from me. A few years ago this was have freaked me out and led me to an evening of silence, however that timid young boy has grown into a man and i accepted the challenge and embraced it and decided to learn about the fascinating lives that the random strangers sat next to me lived. I often find there are few things more fascinating than learning about people from different backgrounds and different walks of life. I greatly enjoy hearing about people talking about themselves and what makes them them.

3) Finally, I was able to just sit there and enjoy the moment. I did not want to over analyse everything, i did not want to think about the issues of life. Instead i was able to put them on hold and enjoy 2 people God has brought together embark on a journey of unification and glorifying Him.

So there we go. Just a small sample of how my life has been a transformation over the last few years, but understand i am under no illusions and this masterpiece is by no means complete, infact i may get a couple years down the line and ask for the foundations to be destroyed all over again and strengthened. For any of you who are interested in what is next for me now i have finished my degree feel free to contact me to ask about it or how you could support me in the exciting next step. I appreciate all the time you have all taken to read this and hope that something form the above has spoken to you, encouraged you or challenged you.
Just live life flat out. Don't be afraid of messing up and needing to start over. Don't be afraid of getting over yourself and the challenges that brings. And don't be afraid to dream big when thinking about what the future could hold for you.

   

If Only.....

If Only..... What if?..... These are two statements that can frequently lead you to a negative reflection on your current situation in light of your past choices. And although i ask them frequently i do hate those two phrases!
What if i had chosen not to Moorlands?
What if i had left after my first year?
What if i had had certain conversations a year earlier?
If only i had had certain conversations with people before finishing my 3 years?
These are 4 of the multitude of questions that have been swirling around my head over the past few weeks. As i have previously described in my blog, i frequently reflect on past crossroads and decisions and how i reached them. I do not do it to look negatively upon my circumstance now. I try not to dwell on what could have been. I have always been aware that is it easier to think that the grass would be greener on the other side. When in reality we have no idea whether this would be true. I have no idea how my life would be different if i had chosen different things to each of the above but i do know it would be different. And that scares me more than thinking about what i could have possibly missed out on.
I have had a continual battle over many years to find acceptance in who i am. i am continually under the impression that i am a disappointment to those who matter most to me. and until this past year (maybe 2) i let that disappoinntment drive me. i was always seeking to impress people and strive to adapt and change myself for them. However i have found that acceptance and it is because i have found that acceptance that i can rejoice in the choices i have made and how they have shaped me into  who i am today. Although certain options may seem appealing now in hindsight i am glad i did not choose them. As a follower i am called to be content and until recently i never really appreciated what that meant. But as the job search continues and everyone is having their own say in what i should do and my options grow day by day i am just content in the fact that i have been carried this far and through many decisions i didnt think i could make to get to this point so eh has proven himself so i go forward in confidence.
I don't want to wonder what if, or if only...... I want to praise Him for His provision and for the choices i have made.
Philippians 4:4 is my favourite verse and i try to hold it close at all times as it is so applicable. And it is the words of it that i want to leave you with.
'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!'
Blessings to you all.  

It's been a while

It has been a while since my last blog. You know how it is, life can easily carry you away and work can prevent you from finding the time to another entry. But alas on my afternoon off before going on a residential tomorrow i find the time. I try to keep my entries brief, and probably wont cover anywhere near all that i want to cover but here goes:

For those who do not know, as part of my University course i am required to go on full time placement for 5 weeks. I am in the middle of this placement as i am writing this. I have migrated up north to my temporary home in Manchester. Whilst i have been here (this is the start of my 3rd week) i have had two interesting experiences. Going to church on my own. Which has proved to be a very beneficial experience thinking ahead.

I do not know if you have ever done this yourself but it is a strange experience going to a church for a service and not knowing if you will know anyone else who is going. But this i have experienced each of the last two Sundays. I have been attending a church, which i am continually told is a very good church at identifying and welcoming new people. Now i am sure most of you know where this is going. In my two times of going to this church i have been one fo the first to arrive both times, found a seat and waited and observed to see if anyone would venture to speaking to me. Now i welcome that I, a 6"5 man is not the most welcoming and unintimidating of people. I did nothing to suggest that i was occupied or otherwise engaged, i sat (without even looking at my phone) and waited. And both times not one person has spoken to me. Well, correction, the first time i bumped into a couple i knew so they said hi (after the service), but i couldn't help but wonder:

'If i was a non-Christian who had braved venturing into the church how would i feel if not one person came and spoke to me?'

It is uite uncomfortable as a Christian in that situation but as a non-Christian it may be enough to make me look elsewhere (if anywhere) and not return. Now i am nto saying that every person should notice if one new person comes in and all go and speak to them, but i am saying between a group there should be someone who notices a new person and can then either themselves initiate contact or find someone else to do so. I am aware this may all just be an ideal fantasy but in a Church which i am constantly told is very good at welcoming new people, i have not felt overly welcome.

I do not know what to suggest to make a succinct and perfect way of making new people feel welcome, and it is possible that i am just one who slipped through this church's net, but i am confident there are many nationally, let alone internationally, who slip through the net without a single person noticing they ever were there. If they have done their part by coming (the harder part if you ask me) then surely we can do our part by noticing.

Jesus came for the lost not for the saved, and we are very good at preaching about that for when we are outside the church walls, but how about we for once live it out within the church walls, and yes socialising and talking to your friends is good, but we want to do kingdom work don't we????   

Oh What A Beautiful Morning

I am meant to be currently writing my essay on the inherent contradictions found in church based youth and community work but i just cannot do so. You know when you have had those days when God has just continued to come through for you in amazing ways well i am coming off of a weekend of days like that. Today and Yesterday have been an unbelievable roller coaster of emotions which has left me praising God and thanking Him that i am not living this life by myself.

I have so frequently sold God short, only giving him part of the glory or only thanking him for part of what he has done. But i am giving him all the glory for these last two days. I cannot sit here and write an essay when all i feel like do is proclaiming how incredible God is. I love days like this.

I look outside to see a blue sky but with a frosty bite in the air and reminisce about the sunset i saw yesterday after going for a wonderful stroll through a beautiful are. The colours in the sky were majestic. The reds the yellows the blues, it was a thing of beauty. And thinking back to Halloween and going on a prayer walk adn standing at the bottom of the drive to College and seeing the night sky but seeing all the different colours that form it, not just your blacks, but your blues and even a hint of red and purple. I stood with my heart praising the beauty that surrounds us everyday of the year. I love this time of year as i get to see nature at its finest.

In my quiet times i have been re-reading the book of Job and some of the passages and speeches that exist in that book just fuel the fire in my heart. The appreciation of just how big God is becomes so apparent as you read through the countless exchanges. I can just picture the conversations bouncing back and forth between them just infront of me. The scriptures truly coming alive.

My life may still have many questions hanging over it but if that is what it takes to have days like this then i would not change any of it.

I leave you with these words from C.S.Lewis:

'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else' 

Crazy Day

I write this entry whilst watching Sunday Night Football reflecting on what has been a crazy 24 hours. The whirlwind of emotions experienced and the lessons learned in this one day far exceeds the combined total from about the 7 days before it.

It started by going to support a fellow student who was preaching at a nearby church. I loved being there and being surrounded by people who just oozed a love for God. My friend delievered a very good sermon on the subject of prayer and healing and left me with plenty to think about and chew over (always a good sign in my opinion). A spiritual high time i would call it.

The whirlwind started when i returned to hear some horrible news. One of the poeple whom had finished studying and graduated during my time here had passed away. My prayers are with their family and all those who knew them better than i did. Wow! It was a unexpected blow. You can never prepare yourself for news like that. They were an aquaintance but the fact i knew the person makes it all that much more real. It is a time when words are not enough, no matter what you say to anyone it is nto sufficient. Everyone grieves in their own way, everyone copes with shock in their own way, so i retreated by myself to deal with this news myself. I found myself naturally turning to Job. It seemed the obvious book to look at. And i was not disappointed. A quick turn to the end of the book and God's final response to Job reminded me of what my friend said earlier that day. To paraphrase:

'If i could see what HE could see and know what HE knows then i have to trust that i would understand'

As i am sure you would all appreciate and agree with I am unable to understand how God works. Now i find i starnge comfort in this. I approve that i believe in someone/thing that is beyond my comprehension. Imagine how small God would be if i could understand how he works. The idea that it is beyond my comprehension also helps me process and deal with what has happened.

Now after reflecting upon Job my mind turns onto the idea of the fragility of life. It is just so fragile. A lot more so then we often give it credit for. I am not condoning a life of conservative 'living' in which you live a stale life. Instead i am for grasping how fragile our life is and how much we take our life for granted. How much should our lives be shaped and dictated by the idea that it could all end any moment? I don't know the answer to this question and i think each person has their own answer to it. At my home town we have a memorial for a young female whose life was suddenly taken from her and everytime i notice it i reflect upon my life and how things would change if i was to pass away. What impact do i have on people and what would their memories be of me? Or for me most importantly, would my relationship with God be mentioned by those reminising? Does my faith dictate my life so much that people have to talk about it when reflecting on me? I hope so but i strive for more, i want my faith to be even more deeply integrated with my day to day living. And i hope all of you do too.

I find it is in the crazy days in which transformations happen and your relationship with the Father can grow. If you are going through a crazy day or a few crazy days then my prayer is that you can stay strong and trust that you would understand if you knew what the Father does.

Nehemiah...... What a legend!!!

So about a day after my last blog my daily devotionals took me to the book of Nehemiah, a book I do thoroughly enjoy reading, so i knew good times were ahead. But instead of my normal read a few chapters a day I found myself unable to move past the first one. If you have a Bible near by i recommend grabbing it now and having a quick read. 11 verses that just blew me away. My daily devotional turned into a meditation on an honest man's prayer and the sort of prayer i want to be praying.

As i was reading it i couldn't help but be reminded of the Lord's Prayer and the similarities in the structure of both. What a start to a prayer it is though, 'O LORD, God of heaven, the great and awesome God,' He aknowledges the greatness of the person whom he is talking to. He doesn't use amazingly vivid adjectives but i almost feel like he is aknowledging that he cannot describe the greatness of God and all he can come up with is 'great' and 'awesome', he is probably in so much awe that his mind has blanked and he plucks up the first two words that come to mind. But reading it i find myself in a place of awe. That sense of speechlessness because what you are seeing is so great. I have found myself, on occassion, speechless as witnessing a sporting highlight but that is nothing in comparison to my feeling as i read and re-read Nehemiah 1.

What follows just continues to highlight God's greatness, in that Nehemiah repents fo his transgressions because he realises that he is unworthy to be speaking to God when he has so often sinned against Him. I frequently pray but often i don't think about how fortunate and amazing it is that i, a sinner saved by grace, can speak to him. The significance of this had become neutralised in my life as it became so natural. But Nehemiah understood the power of the one whom he was speaking to and in this realised how unworthy he was. I hope that i can take this lesson to heart and that EVERY time i pray i realise the power of the one whom i am speaking to and how unbelievable it is that i can speak to him considering how many times i mess up.

And then in verse 9 'I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.' Nehemiah is recalling God's promise to him. And it is an amazing promise, to have God telling you that, simply put, he is in control and will deliver these people is a pretty special moment. Imagine experiencing that sort of promise on your life, that God will send you to a community and you will bring them to the dwelling place HE has chosen. Well i believe he has given us that promise through the Great Commission. By going and teaching the nations of all we have been taught and believe in then God is saying that by doing that HE will bring them into the dwelling place HE chooses. I know this may be hard to follow but i feel the Great Commission is nto for us to go out and tick boxes to say we meet the criteria of being a follower instead it is to go out and bring the people of the world into the dwelling place that God chooses, which is ultimately Himself. I hope you follow.

This short prayer from Nehemiah is probably frequently overlooked or just seen as the bookend of his journey in returning to fix the walls, since it is right at the start, but i think instead of it being a bookend it is the very core of what is to follow. Without such an honest and awe filled prayer at the start, what follows would lose SOME of its meaning.

Nehemiah is a legend and by reading his book one chapter at a time i am realising just how much of a legend he is and i hope you do so too.

Scattered Thoughts

When i decided to start doing a blog, and when i decided to pick it up again i never imagined so many people would be interested in what i was writing. I am blown away that it has been read by people in 7 different Countries and 3 different Continents. I could never imagine that the thoughts of a simple Theology student could travel so far. So Thank You for reading my ramblings and thoughts you have contributed to me a glorious revelation.

But on with this entry. I write this exhausted. Nearly falling asleep with each press of a key, it has been one of those weeks. 10 days ago i was in America and since then i have suceeded at breaking my finger, packing for my final year as a Theology Student and going on a Weekend Away with one of the most inspiring groups of people i have ever met, been back to hospital for a check up and moved into Uni complete with the unpacking. WOW! What a 10 days.

If you have ever broken your middle finger on your writing hand then you will understand the challenges that you face in daily life. Something as simple as brushing your teeth becomes awkward and takes longer than usual. Your time keeping skills get stretched as the jobs that took 5 minutes to do are now taking 10, and if you are like me you watch getting increasingly agitated as you see people playing a sport which you cannot join in with. But because of these challenges you realise how much you have taken for granted the function of this one finger. How important it is to so many aspects of life. You just don't realise it until you are without it. This has been a fitting realisation for me as i start my final year, as i reflect on the 2 years that have got me to this point. I am a guy who likes to keep things that means something to them, and as i was unpacking today i looked through some of my Birthday cards from last year and a few other bits a pieces from my 2 years studying. And by looking back you realise how easy it is to take things for granted, and in particular people. I spend most of the year surrounded by some of the most amazing and inspiring people you could meet but it took me over a year and a half to realise that. It is just so easy to do in life.

Over the weekend away i went on i had a revelation and that was that i was taking my faith for granted. I was learning a whole load of thing s with regards to what i should be doing etc. but my heart had gone from it and the motivation was not there. But by finding myself heavily restricted in what i could do i found myself learning about serving, i engaged with the heart of serving and experienced what i have seen many times in others. I found myself longing to do jobs to free up others or do things that don't require me to majorly go out of my way but helps the next person. Something as simple as holding a door open for people and waiting until everyone had gone through before going through myself. It is something i frequently do but this time during the weekend away i enjoyed doing it. I realised that being a true servant is not by necessarily doing the jobs that need doing but instead it is by finding a way to enjoy doing those jobs. It would not surprise me if Jesus enjoyed washing His Disciples' feet.

I know my thoughts are a bit over the place but i want to challenge you to think about what and who you are taking advantage of and how can you rectify this. I have found sometimes a simple card or even a hand written letter (shocking in the age of texting and facebbok i know) can make a huge difference. And also how do you serbe like we have been taught to serve? Or more to the point, do you?

I hope to do my next entry later this week or next week and hopefully it will be less over the place. But i want to leave you with the message from Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time for everything so don't dwell on the bad stuff but rejoice that this bad stuff is only for a season.